Parks-Anywhere Syndrome is spreading

Doubting Thomas -

Do you or someone you know suffer from Parks-Anywhere Syndrome?

Cases of this little-known ailment are on the rise. Its effects can be seen in parking lots all over Canada - even right here in Newfoundland.

Those suffering from Parks-Anywhere Syndrome suffer from the delusion that they are entitled to park their vehicles anywhere at any time. Those with the disease truly believe the rules somehow do not apply to them. It is an unfortunate but rarely discussed illness.

Scientists believe victims of the disease lose the ability to distinguish between regular marked parking spots and the striped yellow lines that indicate no-parking zones.

They are also oddly attracted to spaces in front of "no parking" signs and handicap spaces.

Although little is known about how it is transmitted, scientists recently found a link between owners of enormous pick-up trucks and the disease.

The same study also showed that having a recreational vehicle of some kind on the back of the truck seems to increase the likelihood of an individual contracting Parks-Anywhere.

However, not every large-truck driver suffers from Parks-Anywhere, nor does every Parks-Anywhere sufferer drive a large truck. The link remains a mystery.

The effects of the disease are subtle. You may walk right by someone suffering from Parks-Anywhere Syndrome and not even notice it. The only real telltale sign is to see the victim's vehicle parked in the fire lane, or just outside a mall entrance.

In very rare cases, drivers will confuse the sidewalk for a sand dune, and pull the front two wheels of their truck right up onto the curb.

It's important to understand that the victims of Parks-Anywhere Syndrome can't help themselves. They need our help, not our judgment.

There is reason for hope. As we speak, scientists at the worlds largest pharmaceutical companies are working on a pill that will cure Parks-Anywhere. It will have the usual side effects of modern medications such as dry eyes, incontinence, restless-leg syndrome and projectile vomiting.

However, I'm sure you'll agree that the benefits will certainly outweigh the risks in the long run.